My recent high school graduate son is part of a group of 7 or 8 friends who have been extremely close for years. During vacations they’ve often camped in my family room, and on any given evening they are all at one’s home or another’s. Their senior trip consisted of a week with one of the families at a cabin on a lake. They’re our shared boys.
Last Saturday night, one of them walked home from a disappointing evening and hung himself at a park a few blocks from my home. His suicide note was a text sent to each of the group and his family at 1AM, and after sending it he turned his phone off. It was a frantic night, first trying to figure out if he was serious, and then trying to find him.
We are frayed lately, confused and angry, numb and despondent, sometimes in dizzying succession. There are no platitudes for this.
I am neither in a position to think deeply, nor to moderate conversation. Besides, while this post is being discussed I will be at the funeral. I am curious, however, about your thoughts regarding the next state of those who take their own lives.
In October 1987 Elder Ballard spoke about suicide with considerable candor. As Elder Ballard quotes, Elder McConkie had the following to say on the subject:
Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.
Elder Ballard goes on to say:
I feel that judgment for sin is not always as cut-and-dried as some of us seem to think. The Lord said, “Thou shalt not kill.” Does that mean that every person who kills will be condemned, no matter the circumstances? Civil law recognizes that there are gradations in this matter—from accidental manslaughter to self-defense to first-degree murder. I feel that the Lord also recognizes differences in intent and circumstances: Was the person who took his life mentally ill? Was he or she so deeply depressed as to be unbalanced or otherwise emotionally disturbed? Was the suicide a tragic, pitiful call for help that went unheeded too long or progressed faster than the victim intended? Did he or she somehow not understand the seriousness of the act? Was he or she suffering from a chemical imbalance that led to despair and a loss of self-control?
Obviously, we do not know the full circumstances surrounding every suicide. Only the Lord knows all the details, and he it is who will judge our actions here on earth.
When he does judge us, I feel he will take all things into consideration: our genetic and chemical makeup, our mental state, our intellectual capacity, the teachings we have received, the traditions of our fathers, our health, and so forth.
We learn in the scriptures that the blood of Christ will atone for the sins of men “who have died not knowing the will of God concerning them, or who have ignorantly sinned. (Mosiah 3:11)”
And he quotes Joseph Smith, who comments:
While one portion of the human race is judging and condemning the other without mercy, the Great Parent of the universe looks upon the whole of the human family with a fatherly care and paternal regard. … He is a wise Lawgiver, and will judge all men, not according to the narrow, contracted notions of men, but, ‘according to the deeds done in the body whether they be good or evil,’ or whether these deeds were done in England, America, Spain, Turkey, or India. … We need not doubt the wisdom and intelligence of the Great Jehovah; He will award judgment or mercy to all nations according to their several deserts, their means of obtaining intelligence, the laws by which they are governed, the facilities afforded them of obtaining correct information, and His inscrutable designs in relation to the human family; and when the designs of God shall be made manifest, and the curtain of futurity be withdrawn, we shall all of us eventually have to confess that the Judge of all the earth has done right. (TPJS, 218)
This is one of my favorite quotes of the prophet. These observations give me great peace. I have noticed changes in the spirit that emanates from my father the couple of times he has visited me since his death, changes that indicate a refinement of his views. While I understand the importance of doing our work of overcoming here, I believe that significant alterations are inevitable once we pass the veil that separates life here and life after. Hugh Nibley’s youthful experience during an appendectomy forever changed him, not only assuring him of an afterlife, but that it was a fast-learning environment (A Consecrated Life, Boyd J. Peterson, p.115-116). His affirmation that the work of this life was less learning and more repenting and forgiving has changed me. I can see an end to the cycling mania of the last few days.
So, now I invite your thoughts.
- What do you think happens when we die?
- How do you think it differs for those who complete suicide?
- What experiences with death have influenced your outlook on either life or death?
(Title Reference John Donne: “No man is an Island, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee.”)
Jennie Komp
August 30, 2012
My heart is with you and your children. Everyone’s experience with death is unique, personal and I dare say sacred. I hesitate to comment on this topic for those reason’s. I know first hand the price of well intention-ed platitudes that cause more pain than they sooth. There is much I could say on this topic and will happily speak with you more one on one if you desire.
For this blog I will say this. I have known many souls who’s pain is beyond our understanding. My hope is that they find the relief they ache so desperately for, be it in this life or the next. I have nothing but the deepest compassion for those who ache so deeply that they will stop at nothing to end the pain. It is little comfort to those left behind, especially if they hid their pain behind smiles and lies. I suspect it goes back to the hope thing. How could someone else heal a wound they themselves are powerless to communicate?
My own personal experience stemmed from a total loss of hope. I saw no future for myself, only an endless and perpetual cycle of pain. I already inhabited my own portion of hell. A solid belief in heaven or an afterlife only made the prospect of death more appealing. A morbid place for a 12 year old to inhabit but I was there. I owe my life today to a very special guardian angel. To this day my own parents have no knowledge of this event.
We think if we know, if we can somehow understand someone’s why, that we will find comfort in imagining how it could have been prevented. There will never be comfort in imagined control. And there is neither joy nor virtue in wishing we could have exercised authority God Himself will not. Agency isn’t just for the things we understand, desire or approve of. It sounds strange to say but we are free to destroy ourselves too.
To the dead I wish them all the love and peace they could not find here. To the living I hope they can find comfort in the knowledge that the dead have returned to a place where they will finally be able to see just how much they are loved. If they hurt enough to go through with it then there is no better place for them to begin to find healing. I would not wish them back except to satisfy my own short sighted selfishness. I’m human that way.
Sending you my love – Jennie
Bonnie
August 30, 2012
Jennie, your observations about exerting authority even God would not are precisely the explanation I have been reaching for for my own climb out of the pit. I have been obsessed in the past few days with discovering what happened, and yesterday became aware that it was motivated by a false belief that one can control with information. Not events, because I’m fully aware that it’s tyranny to try to control another individual, but exactly as you say: “We think if we know, if we can somehow understand someone’s why, that we will find comfort in imagining how it could have been prevented. There will never be comfort in imagined control. And there is neither joy nor virtue in wishing we could have exercised authority God Himself will not.”
It’s an illusion that one can know another, I freely admit, even while the effort to know one another is worth a lifetime’s pursuit. Surely, we are here to do our best to succor and aid one another. What a fine line. It requires an investment of great depth, and yet a surrender of control of outcomes. I’m getting there slowly. Thank you so much, my friend. I miss you.
Jennie Komp
August 31, 2012
Isn’t it funny how the one part I was both the most nervous to write, and which comes from one of my deepest convictions, was the one part you needed to hear most. I was really sweating those words knowing how raw you must be right now. Since I myself did not know those words until you asked the question, your response just confirms to me that we are all watched over. To me, the gift of death will always be the opportunity re-align our internal compass with the bigger picture. Few things in this life affect us as completely. Excessive quantities of misplaced responsibility can make us forget that there was already one savior, already “one who saves” and He is enough. He did His job so we can focus on ours. I trust him with the ones we have lost and the one we are going to lose. If He needs me to “save” someone I trust that He will tell me. Until that time I live by the first commandment, to learn to love as He does.
But as much as we want it to always be sunshine and rainbows, the truth is, real love holds the equal potential for real pain. (I know you know this.) If you had not cultivated genuine love for that person you would not be hurting as you are now. A small, bitter comfort, I know, but its your blood evidence that you obeyed. You loved. And that means that you already did the most important thing that was asked of you. So, let it hurt as mush as it needs to and in the back of your mind remain watchful. The pain will teach you about your love for him, it will refine. And as your capacity to endure it expands (I don’t believe that kind of pain, the pain that changes us, ever truly leaves us) so will your ability to love more deeply.
I love you and I miss you. I hurt with you and I will be here as much as you want me to be. (Hugs in spirit) Thank you for your blog.
Mirgatroid
August 30, 2012
Only our kind loving Heavenly Father knows the whole story and I am sure He greeted this young man with kindness and love. I do not think it possible for anyone to totally understand the events of last Saturday night. Maybe the why is not the important part. Maybe it is how it affects us and how we treat each other that matters. I apologize for my inabilitity to articulate what I am trying to say. I pray the Holy Ghost will touch your heart and communicate to you my love and support.
Kerri
August 30, 2012
Bonnie, I know you only through your beautiful writing, but my heart has been broken for you, your family, and those close to you since your last post.
Unfortunately, I know something of the pain you’re experiencing. We had an adored family friend who lived with my family for a year while finishing high school. We loved him, laughed with him, enjoyed him, supported him. He remained a “family” member even after he went on a mission and returned. A while later he took his life, a week or so after his last visit with my own little family. I realized later it had been his “goodbye” visit to us.
Our love for him and the understanding we had of him and of his struggles made it impossible to imagine that he would be punished harshly by our Heavenly Father. I knew the Lord loved him as much as he loved me, and I could only imagine he would be greeted with love by Him. Thankfully, Elder Ballard’s words and those of so many other leaders have always reinforced this belief. We know so little of the human heart and its pain and know so much of the Lord’s mercy.
The struggle for me has never been to wonder about his salvation, but has always been to wonder why his immediate pain couldn’t have been helped and the terrible outcome avoided, why on his last visit, the spirit didn’t whisper to me to keep him close, to watch him carefully, to say the right words to comfort and protect. I still wonder. I still wish it had been different. But because I didn’t feel that urge, not even a little bit, I have to believe that the Lord knew what would happen, that it was part of all of our life’s experiences, and that therefore there was grace before, during, and after, of a measure I cannot fully understand. I hope that doesn’t sound trite or dismissive. I am not expressing my feelings about it well. I only know that I felt the Lord’s presence and love throughout the hardest times. I know he succored us, and I know he succored our friend though not in the way I would have expected.
I hope that in the days ahead you and your family (and especially your son) will find times and places of refuge and peace. I am truly truly sorry.
Bonnie
August 31, 2012
Mirg and Kerri, thank you for your thoughts. You articulate them beautifully! Jennie, I too learn what I feel and know as I respond to surprising questions, and I am always fascinated when it resonates with both me and someone with whom I talking. Thank you. I have wondered at the fact that not one person felt that Mike was in dire need, and as in many suicides, that Mike was happy and at peace in the last days. Psychologists apparently say that once someone has decided on a course of action, they are not only not dissuaded but more at peace with life.
I had an experience when I was comforting my #3 son just moments after hearing about Mike’s death, when I quieted my soul and searched. Just for a moment I had what I perhaps apologetically call a vision: Mike was walking at night with his hands driven deep in his pockets and his back arched over as he stared at the ground, and two angels were at his sides. Both were touching his arms, leaning around to whisper to him, and one, female, was stroking his hair with her other hand. They were not trying to convince him of anything; they were merely speaking of his value and their love. I knew early on in a way that was profoundly comforting that he was not alone that night, that none of us are ever alone in our despair. I already believe in the ministry of those who’ve already lived upon earth to those who live here now, but I came to understand how complete a safety net that ministry forms. Everyone has someone to watch over them.
Kerri
August 31, 2012
Bonnie, I want to add one experience to this, sparked by you sharing the experience you had while comforting your son. My little brother drowned two years ago. He was extremely close to Matt, the friend of ours I discussed earlier. After my brother’s death, when I pictured him in the water, I knew Matt was there. It wasn’t even a question. I knew. Your experience confirms to me that we are never friendless, even at our most empty times. Thank you.
Kate
September 2, 2012
I do have some thoughts about question #2. I don’t think I have anything particularly novel to say, but I’ll share what I have anyway.
As I’ve been thinking about this over the last couple of days, a portion of the hymn, “Lord, I Would Follow Thee” came to mind. It’s the part that says, “In the quiet heart is hidden, sorrow that the eye can’t see.”
One time when I attended a PEC meeting a few years ago (in place of the Relief Society president who couldn’t be there that Sunday), our bishop shared a spiritual thought prior to us delving into the items on our agenda. He told of a time when his son had attended the funeral of his wife’s cousin, who had committed suicide. The family had gathered for the preparations and the following services. When they were there together at the viewing, President Monson showed up with little notice prior to his arrival. (He is apparently a friend of the family and had heard about what had happened and arrangements had been made for him to come and visit the family.) During the viewing, when it was just President Monson and the family gathered there together at the funeral home, President Monson said that some people are under such great mental and emotional pain and that we cannot and never will be able to understand or judge the circumstances around a situation like suicide. He went on and testified of our Savior’s love and that His Atonement is available to heal and transform everyone… and that it continues to apply for this man.
The bishop then went on to share his thoughts about how important it is to be sensitive to the pain of others and realize that in these situations where someone has taken their own life, we may never understand the reasons. He then shared his testimony of our Savior’s love and His Atonement.
I’m not sure why our bishop chose that particular subject for his spiritual thought since there were no circumstances in the ward, that I knew of, which would seem to have inspired a gospel viewpoint on the subject of suicide. I wondered for a little while why he chose that topic, but when he was speaking about what President Monson had said, it felt like the atmosphere in the room changed. I felt intense love and absolute peace even as he was talking about something so wrenching. I know that what our bishop relayed from President Monson and what he shared in his own testimony is true.
I know you know all of this. I just thought I would add my thoughts and my testimony. My answer to question #2 is that, where we are concerned, there is no difference between what happens when someone dies and what happens when someone dies by their own hand. We don’t have the knowledge and authority to judge. While that thought alone might or might not be comforting, I feel peace about it because I know my Father is alive. He’s out there somewhere. He loves me and everyone. He wants me to be happy, and has set a plan in place for my older brother to be my advocate. I know I am loved, and I know that Mike is loved.
Kazzy
September 10, 2012
I had met this boy before. He was sweet and articulate. So so sad. Hugs to Elias.