Who knew?

Posted on June 25, 2010


I have been trying strenuously to reform this part of my character (the laughing part). For a long time. Sometimes I’m less than successful.

Somewhere in scripture it says something along the lines of “those who laugh at others and call them fool will be in danger of hellfire.” I’m stinkin hot all the time already (thank you hormones) so an eternity of it somehow didn’t appeal. So I’m trying for nice, and largely successful (even, usually, in politics). Still, I slip up rather regularly. And laugh. Here are some of the things that get me:

Clothes. We all seem to have a totally different opinion about their purpose. I think everything is better with a 4-yard scarf and ten rings. The kid who just walked by my office window on the sidewalk outside thinks they’re for exercise. You bend your knees, face them out, hunch over, and walk like a penguin and suddenly those t0o-big shorts are actually a core workout. $40 one time at Gap instead of that much a month for a gym membership. Who knew?

Bike Seats. Admittedly, I’ve had a broken tailbone twice, but come on. Who invented that? I’m terrified this is going to catch on among furniture designers. Can’t you just see all of us perched precariously in our living rooms, pretending that we’re comfortable? Car seats altered to accommodate our taste for placing all of our weight on a tiny curve of bone. Yeah, those railroad tracks are gonna feel great. Nuts, I tell you. I’d really like to meet whoever was responsible for its design in a dark alley and beat him with a hemorrhoid pillow. To all you feminists: don’t worry, men aren’t an all-powerful oppressor — it’s got to be worse for them *cringe* and they haven’t even found a way to rebel. The revolution is over. We won. Who knew?

Technology. It’s saving our lives by saving us time working. So we can spend more time playing electronic games. I think it’s really a communist plot (wait, we don’t say that anymore, what do we say, it’s a terrorist plot?) to eliminate everyone above the age of 30. Hitler had it all wrong. You don’t have to kill people; you just need to make them obsolete. I’m version 1.0 on 2G. I’m not even on the radar anymore. That means I can go plant flowers and read books on paper. Maybe terrorism isn’t so bad. Who knew?

Fortified cereals. The list of vitamins and minerals on the back of the fruit loops is impressive. You could honestly live on these things. I kid you not, you can get your recommended daily allowance of everything by eating four bowls a day (and a nice side benefit is glowing in the dark). There is no cholesterol in licorice! Gummy bears are a no-fat food! This is where they got the phrase “cereal killer.” Who knew?

Sigh. Fell off the wagon again. Sometimes, ya just gotta go visit a nudist beach. It’s good for your soul.

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